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HUMOR

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What’s the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues…”Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years”.

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have gotten out today!”

HUMOR

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I’m afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.

"You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left."

"Oh, that’s terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine…"

HUMOR. JOHNNY Learning about DRUGS

At school, Johnny’s class is learning about medicines. Catherine, the teacher, asks the students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said, “Paracetamol ?”

"Very good! And what is it used for?"

"It is used for a headache."

The second pupil said, “Restyl.”

"Excellent!" said Catherine. "And what it is used for?"

"To help you sleep," replied the student.

Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said, “Viagra.”

"And what is it used for, Johnny?" asked the surprised Catherine.

"It is used for diarrhoea."

"And who told you this, Johnny?"

"Nobody, but most evenings my mother tells my father… ‘Take a Viagra, and maybe that shit will get harder.’"

HUMOR

PONDERING

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don’t really give a rip anymore.

… If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing. Yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise? I don’t think so.
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and All-Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the top dog. Some days, you’re the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here. I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE?

HUMOR

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn’t like it so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn’t like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

HUMOUR

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.

The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.


THE MORAL OF THE STORY

1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

3) And if you’re warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

HOW DO WE CHANGE?

In a world that is slowly being depleted of its resources there are a few that is making an effort to draw our attention to our suicidal activities. Without a doubt there is no argument. Our natural resources are dwindling, the climate is changing as a result of our industrial revolution, urbanization , over -crowded cities and out of control population growth, deforestation, beach and ocean…

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